I queefed so loud it echoed.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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