He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
