we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I could fuck to npr.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
