Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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