I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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