i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
