when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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