I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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