Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
