I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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