She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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