Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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