My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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