today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
