awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
