True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
