We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize