can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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