were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
