that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
