I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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