the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
