apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
