remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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