I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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