If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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