I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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