just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
