So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
