Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
