I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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