In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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