im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
