i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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