u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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