just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
