Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Ladies don't puke and tell
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
