I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
