just tell him i said nine months
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
