I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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