we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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