All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
