whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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