Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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