bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
