I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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