Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
