I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
