i will never coherently bang her
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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