All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
