I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
