youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
