My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
