It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize