The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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