We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Can I color on your dick again?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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