in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
