Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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