I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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