she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
