i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
