I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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