My hand turned me down
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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