WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
